Closetstuck
by L100Meganium
Summary: "Well, I don't know about you, Egbert, but this has been more like Seven Minutes in Hell than Seven Minutes in Heaven." John/Karkat oneshot. My first foray into the delightfully wild world of Homestuck fanfiction! Rated T because Karkat can't keep his speech G-rated.


**A/N: **Hey everyone! I really didn't think I'd ever have the pleasure of actually finishing a Homestuck fic, let alone a Johnkat one, but here we are.

Many, MANY thanks go to my moirail Carochinha, without whom this story would have no beginning or end. Thanks also to my boyfriend and my Homestuck Wife Alexis for proofreading and finding any errors I missed.

Lastly, I just want to note that this takes place post-Sburb. All kids and trolls who played are alive whether they died or not in-game; however, non-players who died in-game (the Kids' Guardians, for instance) are well and truly dead. Sucks for them.

Anyway, let's not dwell on that. To the fic! (And thanks for reading!)

* * *

**CLOSETSTUCK**

It seemed part of a daily (or at least weekly) routine for Karkat to wonder why he still listened to what his friends said. Their advice had gotten him dead, deader, and sometimes heartbroken.

Today, it left him wishing he'd never left the house.

He'd been convinced by Terezi to attend Jade's "TOT4LLY 4M4Z1NG 1SL4ND P4RTY", and had reluctantly trudged his way there, clutching a bag of Fritos (BBQ flavored-Karkat wasn't sure what that stood for, and didn't really care, as he wasn't going to eat the things anyway) tightly. He'd stepped up to the door. He'd rung the doorbell. He'd fidgeted impatiently and shoved the hand that wasn't holding snack food into his pocket while he waited for the door to be opened.

Finally, the door opened a crack. Music, if you could call the pounding bass beat music, spilled out to boom in Karkat's ears, and he was instantly met with a pair of obnoxiously familiar shades, blonde hair, and the most irritating passive expression he'd ever encountered.

"Hey," said Dave Strider, opening the door a little more.

"Hey yourself, Strider," Karkat mumbled. "Are you responsible for that terrible assault on my auditory canals, or did you let someone else pick out that repugnant shit?"

"Are you just gonna stand there and hateflirt with me, or are you going to come inside, Vantas?" Dave said. His face was as blank as ever. Karkat had a very hard time figuring out when he was being sarcastic or not, but guessed that he was being sarcastic because the alternative disturbed him.

"Fuck you, Strider; the hate I feel for you is 100% platonic!" he growled, clutching his Fritos tighter. Some of them crumbled in his grip.

Dave shrugged and stepped aside, and Karkat marched inside.

When Karkat saw the inside of Jade Harley's living room, he knew coming here had been a mistake.

The room was lit in purples and greens, and people were standing around talking to one another or attempting to dance. Karkat tried not to look at the ones attempting to dance. His keen eyes scanned the place. There was Equius, admiring a portrait of a horse on one wall a little too fervently (and sweatily). There was Sollux, hanging out next to Feferi. There was Terezi, who had dunked her whole mouth into the punch bowl, which was filled with red Kool-Aid, and was sucking it down. There was Eridan, standing in a corner next to the fish tank (appropriately). There was Gamzee, watching a lava lamp reverently. And there was John Egbert, flailing around to the music like a bucktoothed marionette on a windy day. Apparently no one had told him that this wasn't a costume party, because he was the only one dressed like he was going to a human disco. He had a bandana around his forehead and ridiculous bell-bottoms and a horrible blue suit. The worst part was that he pulled the look off. Karkat hated that John Egbert did not look horrible in disco clothing.

"Karkat!" a voice chirped suddenly, and the troll turned in time to see Jade flit up to him like the most whimsical fucking butterfly and envelop him in a hug. He groaned and kept his arms flat against his side, but did not attempt to escape. There was no escaping a Harley Hug. After a moment, she released him, holding him at arm's length. "I didn't think you'd come!" she said, her uneven teeth bared in a huge grin, and Karkat couldn't help but feel a little pleased that she looked genuinely happy about his presence.

"Yeah well," he said graciously, "I wanted to see if I could keep a tally of every time someone spilled a drink."

Jade giggled and dragged him further inside the room. "Speaking of, do you want a drink?" she asked.

Karkat glanced back over at the punch bowl, where Terezi was licking her lips in a satisfied manner, red staining her mouth.

"Uh...I'll pass."

Jade shrugged. "Suit yourself!" she said brightly. "Well, tell me if you need anything! I'll be around." And then she flitted off again, leaving Karkat at the mercy of the awful music and rowdy party guests.

Well, he was here. Might as well attempt to mingle, he thought. He was not good at mingling.

He first made his way across the room and deposited his damaged bag of Fritos on the snack table, and then turned and looked around for a place on the floor that wasn't entirely filled with people. His eyes rested on a worn burgundy couch, and he made his way over to it, dodging around the enthusiastic dancers and giving a somewhat grumpy greeting to the friends that noticed him. Finally finding himself at the couch, he plopped down on it, putting his elbow on his knee and resting his chin in his hand. His foot tapped in an agitated sort of way. Karkat wasn't at his most comfortable in a social event like this.

"Karkaaaat~!" squealed a voice from behind the couch, and before he could even identify the speaker, Nepeta Leijon had launched herself over the back of the couch and into the space beside him. "How are you? Glad to see you here! Are you enjoying the mewsic?"

Karkat sighed. Of _course_ Nepeta had to be the one to choose to spend time with him. "It's the second-worst thing I've ever heard, right after the sound a seasick trunkbeast makes."

Nepeta giggled. "Silly Karkitty!" she said, ruffling his hair. "You've never heard a seasick trunkbeast!" Well, she had him there.

He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. Nepeta did not seem put off by his apparent irritation, and continued to gaze at him wide-eyed, as if he were the most interesting thing at the party. Well, as long as she was here, he supposed he might as well talk. "So...what have you been up to here?" he asked, muttering it as if reluctant to let the question leave him.

"How sweet of you to ask, Karkat!" she exclaimed happily. "I have been watching efurryone interact and keeping a keen kitty eye out fur any purrtential ships!" She puffed out her chest proudly at this declaration. Karkat rolled his eyes. He wondered if she had to think up the cat puns ahead of time or if they just came naturally to her. "Speaking of my ships," Nepeta continued in a conspiratorial tone, "Did you talk to John yet? He is wearing such silly clothes! I saw you looking at them earlier." The glint in her eye was a little unnerving, so he turned away. Nepeta was intimidating sometimes.

"What the fuck does John have to do with your stupid ships?" Karkat asked, crossing his arms grumpily and ignoring the cat girl's other comment.

She was not offended by his calling her ships stupid, and merely laughed. Karkat supposed she was used to people calling her ships stupid. "I can't tell you! I'm keeping my meowth shut," she winked and drew her forefinger and thumb across her mouth as if zipping it.

"Why?"

"Beclaws," she said, "I don't want to jinx anything!"

"You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma, Nepeta," Karkat said flatly.

She blushed despite his sarcastic tone. "You always say the nicest things, Karkitty!" Karkat raised an eyebrow. He wasn't going to even say anything about that. Nepeta glanced over at Equius, who glared at her imperiously even through his cracked shades. "Well, I've loved our confursation, but I should really get back to my meowrail," she said reluctantly.

He waved a hand dismissively. "Go. I'll be fine."

"Okay~!" she piped, standing up. "See you later, Karkat!" She gave him a final wave and ran off to join Equius.

Just when Karkat thought he'd get a moment alone, and was reflecting in a satisfied kind of manner that at least Dave had taken control of the music selection and was playing more agreeable music, who else should appear at that moment but John Egbert himself, Karkat's supposed best palhoncho. He walked on over and plopped down on the opposite side of the couch.

"Hey Karkat!" he said in a tone very much like that of his ectobiological sibling, pulling off his bandana and sticking it in his pocket. "How are you liking the party?"

"I'm not," Karkat sighed, "And what the fuck are you doing on this couch. Shouldn't you be boogering the night away under a reflective ceiling-mounted sphere or some shit?"

John laughed. "Gross, man. I think you mean 'boogie the night away.' And for your information, all my other clothes are in the wash."

"Why does that not surprise me?" he said, deadpan. "What the fuck does your manic sister have planned for this party anyway? It looks like everybody's been doing nothing but thrashing to this pathetic facsimile of musical entertainment and unwittingly drinking Terezi's saliva."

"Terezi's...?" John said, looking baffled, and then shook his head, deciding to brush that comment off. "Anyway, I don't really know what Jade has planned!" he said innocently. "But if the rumors are true, there will be games later!" He gave an exaggerated wink that made him look as though he had something painful in his eye.

Karkat rolled his own eyes. "Rumors? _What_ rumors? She's _your_ sister!"

"Hehe, okay, yeah, you got me," John conceded with a shrug. "Jade's gonna make us play Truth or Dare. She was gonna go with Twister, but we figured that might make Tavros feel left out." They both glanced over in Tavros' direction. The wheelchair-bound troll was trying unsuccessfully to pull Gamzee away from the lava lamp. Vriska was sneaking up behind him, and surreptitiously hung a plastic soda ring around one of his horns. When Tavros whirled his chair around to face her, she laughed and pointed at his new decoration. "Poor guy," John said sympathetically.

"Eh, he's used to it," Karkat said with a shrug. "So, does Harley have a time planned for this human game, or—"

As if on cue, the music faded out and Jade's voice came over the speakers instead. "Hey everyone," she said, and John and Karkat's heads whipped around to face her—she had borrowed the microphone from Dave's DJ station. "I hope you all have been having a good time so far!" This was met with several enthusiastic cheers. "Um, anyway, I have some games planned for anyone who wants to participate! Meet me in the kitchen if you're interested! The rest of you can just continue doing what you're doing. Just don't wreck my house," she added with a warning tone in her voice, face suddenly serious. Karkat thought privately that Jade was just as intimidating as Nepeta. As quickly as her smile had vanished, it reappeared on her face. "Okay, that's all! Carry on!" she finished, and gave the microphone back to Dave. A few people clapped, and then the music was back.

John glanced over at his couch compadre. "So Karkat," he asked. "Are you going to come with me to the kitchen for Truth or Dare?"

"Fuck no," Karkat said immediately.

"Do you even know what Truth or Dare is?"

"Fuck no again."

"Well come on, then, you should learn!"

"I don't WANT to learn any of your stupid Earth games, Egbert."

"Hey, dude. You loved Mario Kart."

"That was a _video_ game. That's different!"

"Come on, Karkaaaaat," John wheedled, poking his grumpy friend in the arm. "You know you want to learn about our stupid Earth games."

"Jegus fuck, John, how is anybody allowed to be as obnoxious as you," Karkat huffed, waving John's hand away as if it were a buzzing insect. John just smiled in return.

"If you come play Truth or Dare, I will watch one of your awful troll movies," he said solemnly. Karkat turned to face him with a slightly more interested expression."...Seriously?" he asked. John nodded. "No fuckwitted asshole commentary the whole time?"

"None of it."

Karkat considered. He'd have to find the longest and most boring one he owned to get John back for this. Not that he had any boring movies, but John seemed to think all troll movies were boring. Stupid wriggler was just too uncultured to appreciate them.

"All right, Egbert," he agreed. "You've got yourself a deal. I'll play your stupid Truth or Dare."

John grinned widely and grabbed his hand, dragging him off to the kitchen. Karkat trailed after him, cursing the whole way about "watching my fucking personal boundaries," and jerked his hand away as soon as John stopped tugging on it and the kitchen door swung shut behind them. (He ignored the tingling sensation left by John's hand, and rubbed his own hand against the side of his leg.) A few other assorted trolls and humans were gathered around the kitchen table: Rose and Kanaya, Vriska, Feferi, Terezi, and, to Karkat's surprise, Gamzee, who looked as though he might have wandered in by mistake.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Gamzee?" he asked his tall friend.

Gamzee moseyed over and gave Karkat a lazy smile with half-lidded eyes. His face paint looked the same as ever. "I just came to see if I could get my motherfucking Faygo on, motherfucker," he drawled.

"You might want to check the fridge, genius," Karkat advised.

"Thanks! You're a real motherfucking bro," Gamzee said. He walked over to the fridge, dug through it, pulled out a 2-liter bottle of orange soda, and walked out of the kitchen contentedly, passing Jade on the way out while she was on the way in.

"Did that juggalo idiot take the ENTIRE bottle?" Jade asked her brother, jerking a thumb back at where Gamzee had exited.

"Looked that way to me," John shrugged.

"Godammit, that was the last bottle of soda. Someone drank all the punch." Terezi looked up at the ceiling in a pathetic attempt to appear innocent, but troll hell would freeze over before Terezi Pyrope looked innocent.

Jade sat herself on the edge of the table and looked around at them all. "Okay, so I was thinking we'd play Truth or Dare first!" she said excitedly. "For my troll friends, Truth or Dare is a game where you have to either answer a silly question, or do a funny dare!" The girls looked interested, but Karkat thought it sounded stupid. Possibly the stupidest.

He also noticed that he and John were the only guys present. What the fuck was up with that?

"John," Jade said, looking over at her brother, who was still standing at Karkat's side. "Would you like to go first, to demonstrate how to play to our alien friends?"

"Sure!" John said. Karkat couldn't tell if he was faking enthusiasm for his sister's benefit or if he was genuinely excited to be playing this dumbfuck game. He glanced around at everyone, considering his options. His eyes lingered on Karkat for a moment, making him exceptionally nervous, but he soon flicked them away and settled his gaze on his blonde friend across the room. "Rose," he said decisively. "Truth or Dare?"

"Truth," Rose said.

"Uhhhh..." John bit his lower lip with his ridiculously oversized front teeth, staring at the ceiling as if deep in thought. "Okay. If you had a choice between kissing Cameron Poe from Con Air, or Seth from City of Angels, who would you go for, assuming you HAD to choose one of them?" The trolls looked around at each other in confusion, except for Vriska, who grinned and awaited Rose's answer.

"Seth," she answered immediately. Kanaya nodded like she agreed with Rose's logic. Whatever it was.

"What? Why?" John asked, surprised at her quick answer.

"You don't get to ask me two questions, John," she said with a small smirk. "It's my turn to ask someone."

John crossed his arms and looked a bit disappointed that he hadn't managed to disconcert Rose, but said nothing.

Rose surveyed the room, choosing her victim carefully. "Terezi," she decided. "Truth or Dare?"

"Well, as an aspiring legislacerator I SHOULD go for Truth," Terezi said importantly. "But Dare sounds more fun!" She bared her pointed teeth in a wide grin. On her, the expression was terrifying.

Rose considered her. "I dare you to lick every person on the dance floor."

"I probably would have done that anyway," the short troll girl said with a shrug of her pointy shoulders, and exited the kitchen. John held the door open, and they all watched, half horrified, half amused, as Terezi walked up to each and every person and gave them a friendly lick on the cheek. Some people looked confused, some looked disgusted, and most looked like they were used to this. Dave looked all three, but also slightly fond.

Soon enough, Terezi was marching triumphantly through the kitchen door once more. Vriska held up a hand, and Terezi high-fived her.

"My turn now, right?" Terezi asked, and the humans nodded. "Okay. Jade!" she said dramatically, pointing slightly to the left of where Jade sat, "Truth or Dare?"

"Truth!" Jade said.

"A wise decision," Terezi said smoothly. "Anything but the truth, and I would have to kill you." Karkat rolled his eyes. Terezi thought for a moment, and then her face lit up. "Who is more attractive: Dave or John?" she looked very pleased with herself for thinking of this soul-baring question.

"Well, obviously Dave," Jade said, raising an eyebrow. "John is my BROTHER."

Terezi looked crestfallen, though whether it was because Jade had said Dave was attractive or because her question had fallen flat, Karkat didn't know. "I forgot you humans had a thing about that," she said, disappointed.

"Okay!" Jade said, clapping her hands together. Her green eyes locked onto Karkat's. "Karkat!"

"Oh hell fucking no; I will not-" Karkat began.

"Truth or Dare?" Jade said loudly, drowning out his protest.

"Come on, Karkat, play along," Vriska said. "Or are you too scared to see what Jade can dish out?" She grinned, a taunting gleam in her eye.

It may have been a stupid taunt, but it had the desired effect. "Fine!" Karkat spat. "Do your worst, Harley! Dare!"

Jade's eyes glinted in a way that made Karkat wish he could take back his words immediately.

"I dare you," she said, very deliberately. "to look at the super-duper scary thing in my broom closet."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Karkat asked, unnerved by her expression. He had a feeling this was more than just a moldy broom or a squeakbeast.

She smiled like an evil mastermind. Yup, Karkat was definitely scared of Jade Harley. "Just what I said," she said mysteriously. "Investigate the scary object in my broom closet, and try not to scream like a little girl."

"Fuck you, Harley; my screams are manly as shit!" Karkat protested. "I'll look in your nookspittling closet if it will shut you up. Where is it?"

"Through that door, down the hall, and to your right," Jade said, pointing to the kitchen's side door. "You might want to take John with you in case you get scared."

"Shut up! I don't need John to go with me!" Karkat spat.

"John, go with him," Jade said calmly.

"Jade, I didn't know there was anything weird in the broom closet," John said, looking nervous. "If it's some kind of animal, don't you think we should call—"

"There are things about this house you don't know," Jade interrupted ominously. "Go check it out. If you two are man enough." She smiled at them both.

John looked down at Karkat. "I'm plenty man," he said, though he said it like a question.

Karkat rolled his eyes again. He'd probably have a headache from doing it too much at the end of the night. "Fine. We'll look in your closet, Harley."

"Come on, guys, let's all follow to make sure they actually look!" Jade told the girls. They all made enthusiastic noises and followed reluctantly as John and Karkat led the way, a parade of assholes.

"What does Harley have up her misleadingly girly sleeves, Egbert?" Karkat whispered to John quietly.

"I honestly have no idea this time," John answered, his eyebrows knitted together. "It's probably a really gross spider or something. Jade hates spiders." Karkat thought to himself that it would take more than a spider to scare Jade Harley, but said nothing.

Soon, they reached the door to the closet. They both looked at it for a moment. Their spectators gathered around, and a hush descended on everyone as they awaited the proceedings.

John looked down at Karkat, whose arms were crossed and who was glaring at the door as if it were all the door's fault that he had to go along with Jade's stupid game.

"Um...Karkat? Buddy?" he said after a minute.

"What?" Karkat snapped.

"Are you going to open the door?"

"_Yes_, Egbert, I was fucking _getting_ to that!" he huffed, and turned the knob violently, flinging the door wide open.

They gazed inside the extremely dark, tiny walk-in closet. It smelled dusty.

Nothing happened.

"Well, this was fun," Karkat said insincerely, "But I have other ways to waste my time, like playing with barkbeast feces or-"

"You have to look INSIDE, duh," Jade interrupted before Karkat could launch into one of his gross tirades.

"Gogdamn it Harley, FINE." He walked in and squinted into the darkness. Even with his keen troll eyes, it would take a minute to adjust to the lack of light.

"John, go with him in case he gets hurt!" Jade urged, wide-eyed. John looked deeply confused and concerned, but stepped in after Karkat nevertheless.

After a moment of them both fumbling around and searching the floor in the dim light from the hall, Karkat faced the doorway again. "There's nothing in here but fucking cleaning supplies!" he shouted. "Unless there's a fucking haunted broom in here or some dumb shit."

"I really don't see anything in here, Jade," John agreed.

Jade stepped toward the door, grinning sweetly. "Oh there's something in here all right."

"Fucking WHAT, Harley?!"

"You two."

"What?"

Before he could ask any more questions, Jade swung the door shut, and they heard the lock click.

They both stared at the door for a minute, uncomprehending.

"What the hell was that?" Karkat said. "Open the door, you fuckass."

"Nope!" Jade sang. "The real dare is Seven Minutes in Heaven!"

John gave a yelp, and at the same time Karkat yelled, "The fuck does that mean?!"

"Have fun, you guys!" Jade said. "Sorry, John," she said through the door after a moment. "But I'm doing this for you."

"Jade, this isn't funny! Let us out right now!" John said seriously, pounding on the door.

"I'm going to walk away," Jade said loudly through the door. "And when I come back, I want to hear some _feelings_. And then I will let you out."

"JADE FUCKING HARLEY, WHEN I AM THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU'LL HAVE NOTHING BUT PAINFUL FEELINGS. THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING JOKE I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU ARE THE WORST AT PRANKS!" Karkat yelled, but all they heard was giggling from some of the girls.

"Jade, I think I hear the phone ringing in the kitchen," Feferi's voice said suddenly.

"Oh, that's probably Aradia apologizing for not coming," Jade answered. The two boys heard retreating footsteps, and then all was quiet.

"Well," John said awkwardly, "This is, uh..." He didn't seem to be able to finish his sentence. Karkat still couldn't see in the dark yet, but he could sense that John was about two inches away. Which was not far enough away for Karkat's taste.

"What the fuck is wrong with your sister, John?!" he demanded, and sensed John flinching at his yelling. "What good could locking us in a closet do? How is that funny?!"

"Uh," John said, his voice very small. "Sh-she said we're supposed to spend Seven Minutes in Heaven."

"Yeah, I heard her say that, idiot. What the fuck does that mean, anyway?"

Karkat distinctly heard John gulp. "Uh," he stammered. "It's when two people sp-spend seven minutes in a closet..." he trailed off into mumbles even Karkat's sensitive ears couldn't hear.

"Speak up, you nookwipe; didn't your lusus teach you not to mumble?!"

"It's when people have to make out for seven minutes!" John blurted.

A short silence followed.

"Well that's stupid," Karkat said blankly. "Why would she put _us_ in here then?"

"Um, I don't know," John said slowly. "Maybe she thinks we, um. Have. You know. Feelings? For each other?" Karkat could picture him blushing. He always blushed when he stammered like that. Karkat hated that he found it almost endearing.

The troll spluttered. "That's impossible," he reasoned. "Your bullshit 'heterosexuality' is a thing, and anyway, why would she assume I'd want to put my mouth on your shit-spewing one, Egbert?"

"Gross, man," John said.

They stood there in silence for a few moments. Awkwardly.

"Uh," John said through the quiet, grasping for conversation like a blind-person-that-wasn't-Terezi grasping for anything. "Wanna, I dunno. Play cards or something? I've got a deck in my back pocket."

"John." Karkat said slowly.

"Yeah?"

"_We are in a closet with no lights, you ridiculous fuck_."

"Oh, hehe, right; sorry. Uhh, I guess I'm just..." he couldn't find a word, though, and just sighed. "I'm sorry about this, Karkat. I swear I had no idea."

"Yeah, I know," Karkat said grudgingly.

"Why are they even doing this to us?" John said after another silence. "Like, okay. I know _why_, but like, why do they insist that there's...something..." Karkat could vaguely see the gesture John made, pointing from himself to Karkat and back again. "Sorry, you probably can't see my hand gestures, haha!" he said, catching himself. He squinted and then his eyes widened. "Whoa, I bet you CAN!" he said. "Your eyes are kinda glowing in the dark!" He sounded impressed. "That is seriously cool."

Karkat sighed, not acknowledging the compliment. "I don't know why I even bothered with this dumbass party," he grumbled.

He saw the glint of John's stupid white buckteeth as the human smiled. "It was obviously because you couldn't stay away from me for long. I am the reason, Karkat," he teased, "It's me."

"Shut the fuck up," Karkat said, shoving John lightly and trying not to smile. John just laughed. He seemed to be getting more comfortable with the situation.

"So, okay, Jade isn't going to let us out for like five more minutes," he said. "Do you wanna...I dunno. Do you wanna talk?"

"No, not really."

"Oh," came John's disappointed voice. Karkat felt a twinge of pity. _Platonic_ pity, gogdamn it. He hoped.

"Fine," he sighed. "Talk all you want. Numb my brain with your bulgebendingly stupid prattle. What the fuck else do I have to do in here?"

"Okay," John said, unaffected by Karkat's reluctant tone. "So what movie are you going to make me watch?"

"Huh?"

"You know. I said I'd watch a troll movie with you if you played the human game?"

Karkat had almost forgotten about that. "Oh, right," he said. "I haven't decided yet. It's going to be a fucking classic, though, so you should feel blessed that I'm even gracing you with the opportunity to watch it, especially after this disaster, you piece of shit."

"Hey, I SAID I was sorry," John defended himself. "I can't control my sister! She has all kinds of wacky thoughts that I couldn't possibly predict!"

"She must have fucking planned this out," Karkat said. "I bet she did. She's fucking clever enough. Gog_damn_it, Harley!"

"Still, it's kind of sweet that she would go to all that trouble for us," John joked. Karkat shoved him lightly again, and John backed into one of the supply shelves, laughing. There was a scraping and shuffling sound.

"The fuck was that?" Karkat said, listening intently.

"I don't know," John said, the shifting noises continuing. "Wait," he said, suddenly panicked, "I think there was a stack of boxes on the top sh—"

And all of a sudden, a huge pile of boxes slid off the top shelf and tumbled onto John and Karkat, who were knocked to the floor from the force. Painfully, Karkat noted. The back of his head throbbed where it had struck the ground and something sharp was digging into his stomach.

"Ow, shit," John said, holding his head. "One of the corners hit me in the head! What the hell did she have in those boxes?! The one I fell onto feels kinda warm and soft. Were there old clothes up there?" He made a hissing noise through his teeth, sucking in air. "Geez, my foot hurts."

"Egbert," Karkat growled, very close to him.

"Yeah, buddy?"

"You have exactly five seconds to get the fuck off me."

John yelped and the pressure from Karkat's chest was lifted as he scrambled to get up. But a moment later, he gave a grunt of pain and collapsed back onto Karkat.

"_OOF_! What the nookbiting shit, John?! _Get up_."

"I can't!" John said, dismayed. "My leg is trapped under another box and I can't move it..."

"Oh my fucking—ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"

"Ow, geez, Karkat, your mouth is right by my ear."

Karkat struggled and wriggled, flinging his arms and legs around. There had to be a way to get loose. His knee jerked up and banged into something.

"OW, man, holy shit!" John choked out, his voice higher than usual. "Watch where you're kicking; Jesus!"

"Sorry," Karkat grumbled.

"So uh," John said after a moment, "This is even more awkward, isn't it? Hehe."

"Congratu-fucking-lations, John, you have won the prize for Most Stupidly Obvious Statement of the Sweep."

"There's no need to be huffy, Karkat."

"There is EVERY reason to be 'huffy,' _John_. Your elbow is digging into my nutrition sac. Your head is so close to my face that I'm surprised I haven't gotten hair in my mouth yet."

"Ew, please don't snack on my hair," John interjected.

"And on top of everything else," Karkat continued, ignoring him, "_You are crushing my foot with your stupidly pointy knee._"

"Whoa, sorry!" he said quickly, attempting to wriggle his knee off of Karkat's foot. Karkat felt the pressure on it lessen after a moment. He tried to wriggle his arm out from under himself, where it was trapped against Karkat's stomach, and finally pried it loose, laying it down on the ground beside Karkat's shoulder.

John's hair smelled like lemons.

"I wonder why Jade's not back yet," John said, and Karkat could feel the vibration of John's chest against his torso when he spoke. "Don't you think it's been seven minutes already?"

"What?" That lemon scent was really distracting. "Oh, yeah, probably. Probably got sidetracked or some shit. Just my luck."

"Just _our_ luck," John corrected.

"Well, I don't know about you, Egbert, but this has been more like Seven Minutes in Hell than Seven Minutes in Heaven."

"Aww, come on, Karkat, it's not that bad!"

"John, your foot is trapped under a box. You are slowly crushing the air from my respiratory sacs. I kneed you in the groin."

"Okay, yeah, it's pretty bad," John said, cutting him off before he listed anything else.

"This is all your fault, convincing me to play this dumb game," Karkat hissed. "You and your stupid disco suit. What the fuck is that even about, anyway? Couldn't you find any clothes from your own time period?"

"Shut up!" John said quickly. Karkat did, taken aback by John's response. "They're my Dad's," he said more quietly. "I found them in his closet and...I didn't want to give them away." There was a short pause. "They still smelled like him."

Karkat felt like a raging douchecanoe.

"Fuck...I'm sorry, John," he said, abashed. "I didn't mean to disrespect your hatted man-lusus's memory."

John gave a long sigh. "No, you're right, it was stupid to wear them. This isn't even a costume party." So he did know it wasn't a costume party. Karkat supposed he had to at least give him that. "I just wanted to, I dunno. Feel connected to him again or something." Karkat said nothing. After a moment, he felt John lay his head on Karkat's chest.

"The fuck are you doing?!"

"Give me a break, Karkat! My neck is tired from craning it all this time!"

"Geez, fine. Fuckass."

There was another pause wherein Karkat tried very hard to stare up at the ceiling and John rested his ear on Karkat's chest. "Your heartbeat sounds just like mine," John said, incredulous.

Karkat's face flushed at hearing him say something like that. It sounded like something somebody would say to their matesprit in one of his movies or something! "Of course it fucking does," he growled. "Do you think I'm a robot?"

"Hehe, no," John said. "I just thought maybe it would sound different, is all."

"Well maybe you should spend less time thinking about what my bloodpusher sounds like, bulgemunch."

"I-I don't think about it!" John said, sounding embarrassed. "I just...geez, Karkat, you are really hard to talk to sometimes, you know?"

"Yeah, I fucking know," Karkat responded, turning his face to the side and away from John's lemon-scented hair. "I've been told that a lot."

"No, that's not what I meant, I just-" John sighed. "You turn everything into an insult, even innocent observations. There's no need to be so defensive around me, you know. We're buddies! We're—"

"If you say 'friendleaders' in this closet right now, John Egbert, so help me Gog, I will find a way to kill you."

"Haha, you know me pretty well," John laughed, not worried by Karkat's threat.

"Unfortunately," Karkat conceded.

Karkat could feel John smile against him. John lifted his head. "I know you probably are not having the best time now, Karkat, and to be honest neither am I—"

"Another prize-winning comment, Egbert—"

"—but I probably would have ended up spending the whole party hanging out with you anyway. You're pretty much the one I'm always hanging around at these kinds of things."

"Jegus only knows why."

"No, I just...I don't know. You're the only one I really know. I mean, all the other trolls are great. And I love Jade and Dave and Rose, but they're like my family, you know? But when we were playing the game...you were there the whole time. And we led our teams together. And...I guess I just feel like we have a lot in common."

"We have nothing in common, John."

"We both like movies," he pointed out.

"...Yeah, I guess that's true."

"Also, I like hanging around with you because you make me look really tall."

If he could have reached him, Karkat would have punched him in the arm. "Fuck you, Egbert," he said, but there was no venom in his words. John laughed again.

"Karkat," he said hesitantly, and there was something in his voice that he couldn't identify. He sounded scared, or worried. "Just..."

"What, John."

"There's no other person I'd rather be trapped in this closet with."

Karkat blushed red. "Gog, you're unbearable! I'd rather be trapped with no one. Or not trapped at all! That would be the most fucking preferable thing!" He squirmed uncomfortably, hating that he had to fight the urge to bury his nose in John's hair and just _breathe._ "Where is your fucking orthodontally-challenged sister, anyway?!"

"Karkat, while we're in here, we might as well talk about stuff," John said firmly, though there was still that worried tone to his voice. "I was trying to tell you that I like being around you, okay? This is the part where you say 'Thanks, John; I like being around you too!'"

"'Thanks, John; I like being around you too,'" Karkat repeated flatly. He'd never admit it, but it was sort of true.

Okay, it was a lot true.

"Good enough," said John. He was quiet a moment. "You're my best friend, Karkat," he then said quietly. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know," Karkat replied, allowing a little fondness to sneak into his tone. "You're my best friend too. I guess."

John squeezed his arms to Karkat's sides in a strange imitation of a hug. "Sorry," he said. "Hugging is weird when I can't actually put my arms around you."

"Damn it, John, don't say stuff like that," Karkat said. His bloodpusher was working in double-time.

"Why not?" he asked, lifting his head a little more to look at him.

"Because!" he hissed. John was close enough to kiss. He would just have to lean down and close the small distance between them and he would be kissing John Egbert.

John looked straight into his eyes, and Karkat knew he could see his eyes because they glowed. He hoped John hadn't caught him staring.

But they were both staring now. Blue to gray-on-gold. John's pupils were enormous in the darkness. His eyes were... beautiful. There. He fucking admitted it to himself.

"Karkat," John began softly, haltingly. "I don't actually mind being in here so much when it's y—"

"John." Karat interrupted. "Shut up."

And before he lost his nerve, he reached down and pressed his lips softly, unsurely, against John's. John's whole face twitched in surprise, but after a moment, he returned the pressure and leaned into the kiss. It was dry, and unspectacular, and Karkat thought it was wonderful.

John met his eyes again. "What...what was that?" he asked, chewing his lower lip and making Karkat desperately want to kiss him again.

"It was a kiss, fuckass," he grumbled.

"Okay," said John. "Just making sure."

And then John was kissing him again.

The room smelled like dust and Windex and John's lemon shampoo, and John's lips were chapped and warm and unpracticed against his, but the friction was better than anything Karkat had ever felt. John shifted and managed to put a hand in his hair, carding it through the unruly, rough strands and brushing his horns affectionately. Karkat kissed him harder. John's lips tasted like Kool-Aid. Karkat hoped he'd had his punch before Terezi had gotten to it.

Eventually, they broke apart. John was breathing heavily, his eyes half-lidded. Karkat's eyes met John's, and he knew he must look much the same as John. After a moment, John's eyes widened. "Oh my god," he said shakily. "Karkat, am I gay?!"

"Don't ask me. That's your problem to figure out."

"Holy crap, I...I just...I mean, I always thought you were really cool-looking and like, I wondered what your skin felt like because it looks thicker than mine, and your horns are like cute little pieces of candy-corn," –Karkat cringed at that— "and your eyes are really awesome because they glow and all you trolls have neat black lips but yours were so much more interes...Karkat, I swear I didn't know I was gay for you! I-I like girls!" He looked so panicked.

Karkat resisted the urge to roll his eyes, knowing John could see them. He didn't want to upset him while he was having a sexual identity crisis. "Maybe you like females _and_ males?" he suggested.

John shook his head. "N-No, I think it's just you," he stammered. "You must be special," he said awkwardly.

Karkat did roll his eyes this time, and pushed John's head down to kiss him again. "Stop analyzing it, idiot," he told him, brushing the hairs at the nape of John's neck softly with his claws. John shivered.

"R-right," he said quietly. "Karkat, does this mean we are...you know, together?"

"I don't know, John. Does it?"

"Well, geez, Karkat! I don't know! I-I didn't even know I was a homosexual until like three minutes ago!" He looked at Karkat for a moment, eyes searching over his dimly-lit face. "But I guess if it's what you want...I don't mind," he said finally. He sounded bashful. But he looked somewhat hopeful.

A reluctant smile broke across Karkat's face. "You're going to be such a shitty matesprit," he said.

"No I won't, Karkat," John said, seeming to gain confidence upon seeing Karkat's smile. "I will treat you like a gentleman should treat his...uh. Whatever you are." He squinted. "Boyfriend, or matesprit...?"

"We'll figure it out."

Just then, there was the click of the lock, and suddenly light spilled into the closet, assaulting their eyes with its brightness and making them both cry out in protest. Jade stood in the doorway.

"I'm SO sorry, guys, I got distracted trying to—" she stopped talking. She stared. Her eyes traveled from John's hand in Karkat's hair to Karkat's hand on the back of John's neck, to their bodies in such close proximity.

"Uh," she said. "Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to interrupt." And she closed the door again.

They stared at the door for a few seconds dumbly. Then suddenly they both started yelling at once.

"JADE, WAIT! COME BACK! WE'RE STUCK!"

"HARLEY YOU GET YOUR DREADFUL HUMAN ASS BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!"

* * *

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